Those who always have a good sex experience have one thing in common

This post is also available in: English

We previously conducted a survey of KY readers and asked them what they found most disturbing about sex. Many people chose:

Having sex too often or too little feels different from others and not “normal.”

So what does “normal” mean?

Some sex psychologists believe that once a week is the best frequency for the quality and happiness of the relationship between the two parties. More than once a week will not improve the quality and happiness of the relationship, so this is the most cost-effective frequency  ;

A study published by a medical team at Harvard University found that if adult men ejaculate 21 times a month, their risk of prostate cancer can be significantly reduced, which is best for their health .

But it is obvious that these theoretical and observational data can only provide us with a distant reference.

Because sex is a very personal thing.

Is your sexuality “normal”?

Need to connect with your life context,

What is normal about sex and love?

In Sternberg’s triangle theory of love, the best love is composed of intimacy, commitment and passion  . Among them, passion is an important component of sex. In other words, in the most widely recognized theory of love, sex life accompanied by passion is often indispensable.

Whether in daily experience, theory or statistics, the longer you spend with your partner, the more likely your sexual passion will fade, which is manifested as a decrease in sexual frequency. This is also an almost default outcome .

However, for each different person, the factors that really influence sexual passion are actually very specific and vary greatly from one person to another.

For example, the culture that everyone accepts. In a cross-cultural survey on love, researchers found that American couples have more “passion” than Chinese couples .

Although we are all Chinese, we can infer from this result that if the culture you have been exposed to since childhood is more Westernized (you loved watching American TV series when you were a child), your need for passion after falling in love may be greater than others.

Another example is the degree of sexual openness of each person. The more sexually open a person is, the more ways they will get sexual release, such as watching porn, masturbating, etc. [6] , and the sex with their partner may also be more passionate and romantic.

In contrast, people with low levels of sexual openness may appear more “abstinent” and may not be very engaged in their sex life.

At present, the most important thing is the state of stress. The fast pace of life means that for a young man, a phone call from a boss is definitely a good way to overwhelm his sexual desire; and in family life, the trivialities of housework and the pressure of raising children can also wear down his passion to the point of freezing .

And at the cognitive level, there is a little-known fact that is worth noting: the more a person agrees with the idea that “passion fades”, the faster his passion will fade .

There are so many reasons, and you don’t know which one of them is the cause of your current condition, or the combined effect of various factors.

That’s why a 2022 survey study came up with a surprising result: the researchers couldn’t find any specific patterns in the frequency of sex among the respondents.

In this survey, researchers set up 14 factors that may be associated with sexual frequency, including love for one’s partner, degree of marriage to one’s partner, one’s own personality factors, whether one’s partner and oneself are sexy, etc. However, the 720 sexually active participants did not give a unified answer as to what exactly affects their sexual frequency  .

This situation often occurs in psychological surveys. When people come from different countries and have different statuses, and the questions we ask are too personalized, there is no one-size-fits-all result.

So, stop focusing on your sexual frequency and stop wondering whether your sexual activity is “normal.”

The factor that most affects our evaluation of sexual experience is sexual self-esteem.

The concept of sexual self-esteem originated decades ago, when psychologists discovered that sexually active boys had higher self-esteem than sexually active girls, who in turn had lower self-esteem than their nonsexual peers.

Therefore, they believe that there must be a mediating factor between sex and self-esteem, and this factor is sexual self-esteem .

Sexual self-esteem includes the following aspects:

 Skills and experience . Are you satisfied with your sexual skills and experience? Or do you feel that having some experience is actually a bad thing?

Attractiveness. Do you consider yourself sexually attractive? Are you happy with your body? Or do you consider yourself “sexually desirable”?

Control. Do you have control over your sexuality? Can you manage your sexual fantasies and behaviors? Or do you often feel out of control?

Moral criticism. Do you rarely criticize your own sexual behavior? Or do you frequently criticize your sexual behaviors, fantasies, and desires?

Adaptability. When you start a new relationship, do you always adapt quickly to your partner’s sex life? Or do you find it difficult to accept new sexual attitudes or partners?

If you answer “yes” to the first question in each of these five areas, it means you have strong sexual self-esteem. On the contrary, your sexual self-esteem may be low or fluctuate frequently.

Sexual self-esteem is easily affected by fluctuations. For example, someone who is dissatisfied with their body may have recently gained weight; someone who has an unconventional sexual experience with their partner may become morally critical of themselves; or someone who has experienced a loss of self-esteem or setbacks in life may experience a drop in their sexual self-esteem.

Low and fluctuating sexual self-esteem can reduce our sexual satisfaction and lead us to suspect that we are abnormal .

The more positive your attitude towards sex ,

Higher sexual self-esteem and life satisfaction

There are many ways to improve your sexual self-esteem.

For example, according to the definition of sexual self-esteem, we can have stronger sexual self-esteem by improving our skills and exercising in a better body.

But these are just superficial efforts. Just like improving self-esteem itself, external objective conditions can help us, but what we really need is internal, cognitive and conceptual improvement.

What really helps to improve sexual self-esteem is to develop a sexual positivity mindset.

Sex positivity, as the name suggests, means believing that sex is a positive thing (⚠️of course, under the premise of safe sex) ,

Sex has been considered taboo in various cultures, and now it is not something that should be spoken about.

The idea of ​​sex positivity is that people are encouraged to talk openly about sex and pursue sexual pleasure and experiences openly (⚠️Sexual harassment and sexual assault are not sex positivity).

Sex positivity encourages us to receive more sexual knowledge, not only about how to protect ourselves and how to have sex safely, but also about how to experience sex as an individual who deserves to enjoy sex and maintain an open attitude towards sex.

Combining the definition of sexual self-esteem, a person with a sex-positive outlook will:

Willing to expand sexual skills to please oneself and one’s partner;

A deeper understanding of one’s own and one’s partner’s sexual attractiveness, beyond just appearance;

They have greater control over their sexual desires and preferences because they face these things directly and can therefore act with more focus.

Less moral judgment about their own sexual desires, preferences, and fantasies because they can understand them from the perspective of personal needs;

They are more adaptable to different sexes because they have a more open mind.

(⚠️Being sex-positive cannot be used as an excuse for cheating, breaking the law, etc.)

Sex positivity is not only beneficial for sexual self-esteem, but also for overall sexual satisfaction and daily mental health .

In short, sex positivity makes us more open about sex, which is also very beneficial to sexual communication between partners.

When we hit that initial snag—a dip in passion with our partner—having a sex-positive mindset can make us more willing to try new things and less shy about discussing sex openly with our partner.

Five Sex Languages

It is recommended to study with a partner,

So, how do people with a sex-positive mindset typically interact and communicate with their partners in the bedroom? Choose the style that suits you (click on the image to expand):

These five “sex language” styles all lead to more positive communication between partners. No matter which one, it is a symbol of our willingness to talk openly about sex with our partners, which is crucial to whether we can enjoy our sex life happily.